The Teen Mom Shadow

Healing Relationships-Self

Madeline A. Cameron

I remember sitting in the pews of my childhood church listening to a sermon that gave me chills, and not in a good way.

As the pastor was preaching against the sin of the week, I realized that I had become a part of his enthusiastic presentation. There was something being said about a teenage girl wearing a maternity dress as his voice, eyes and hands began to move in my direction.

I thought if I could sit still enough, I would evaporate back into the dream that I must be having. Or maybe the cold stares of the congregation would literally turn me into a block of ice, allowing the heat of the church to melt me into the floorboards, never to be seen again.

I could never be so lucky. No, I just had to endure the embarrassment of being a 16-year-old, visibly pregnant girl fueling the inspiration of this long-winded sermon against the sin of the week.

I didn’t ask for this.

Healing

During my recent travels into the shadows of my psyche, I was surprised to find a young girl sitting in the bend of a dark tunnel. It seemed to be her safe place, devoid of anything that resembled happiness or joy. She is the teenage version of myself who was (repeatedly) banished to shame for becoming pregnant at the age of 16.

I thought for sure I had put my teen pregnancy years behind me, which was exactly the problem I faced in this dark tunnel. There is a huge difference between putting something or someone behind me and acknowledging their presence and sacrifices as a part of my journey.

I decided to engage my teenage self. I did not want to revisit those years or feel those emotions again, but she desired healing, and I am the only one who can help her out of this dark tunnel. So I found the courage to ask her- What do you need me to know? Her answer was quick and clear: "I didn't ask for this!"

I didn’t ask for this

These words led me to think deeper about the facts surrounding my early pregnancy. I soon found myself in the rabbit hole of an hours-long teen pregnancy internet search and the data was truly enlightening:

Teenage pregnancies are attributed to social issues, including educational levels and poverty
African-American and Hispanic girls have a higher rate of teen pregnancy compared to European-American and Asian-American girls
The causes of teenage pregnancy are complex and multi-faceted, reflecting the relationships between individual behavior, societal norms and cultural attitudes.
Girls exposed to issues such as abuse, domestic violence and family strife are more likely to become pregnant as teenagers
Girls whose fathers left the family early in their lives have the highest rate of early sexual activity and teen pregnancy.
In a New Zealand study, early father-absent girls were 5 times more likely to become pregnant as teens than were father-present girls
Increased religiosity in the U.S. strongly predicted a higher teen birth rate.
States identifying as very religious have a teen birth rate above 25 per 1,000 births

I am beginning to believe that my teen mom self is spitting facts- she did not ask for this! This whole teen pregnancy thing seems more like a predestined track than a 2 person act.

The truth is as a teen girl, I was more interested in trying to gain the love of a male than I was in having sex. I just wanted someone to love me. There was this emptiness within me that I could not completely describe, but I knew that male attention seemed to make me feel better. The only way that I knew to keep their attention (for awhile anyway) was through sex. In hindsight, I was desperately seeking the love of my father whom I had never seen or known. I didn’t know if he knew I was alive, or if he cared if I was alive or dead for that matter.

The identify of my absent father was never a safe topic of discussion in my home, so I swallowed my feelings for the sake of my safety and the comfort of others. The result was a jack-and-jill door of anger and depression that often led to acting out and fits of rage. Even when I managed to get the attention I wanted, I was so afraid of losing it that I acted irrationally from a societal standpoint, yet rationally from the mind of a girl born and raised in secrecy and shame.

So while I take full responsibility for the choices and outcomes of my life, I do so with the knowledge that my teen pregnancy came from a very complex social algorithm. I was not a fast girl, I was a girl lost in plain sight. The pregnancy was not my failure, it was a system of failures that needed a face and a body in which to dump the blame.

Gratitude

I am grateful that the teen mom within me hung around to tell her story. She does not belong in the dark tunnels of shame. I acknowledge her unfathomable strength and sacrifices by redecorating her darkness with these lights and flowers of truth:

The son born of a teen mom is now a 33-year-old man. He holds a Bachelor’s Degree in English. He wrote and self-produced an album that can be found across many music platforms. He works and supports himself and his cat Rayne whom he loves and treats with immense kindness.
The son born of a teen mom rebuilt his relationship with his early-absent father, and now they are extremely close. Their adult relationship is founded on the pillars of love, healing, forgiveness and mutual respect. They talk almost every day and say “I love you” to one another at the end of their calls.
Most importantly, the son born of a teen mom is a kind, loving and generous person.

The teen mom now holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing and has been a nurse for over 22 years. She has successfully worked in nursing roles ranging from floor nurse to executive director. She is an entrepreneur and has written and self-published books and journals. She continues to build her unique brand of spirituality through self-reflection, healing and sharing her journey with others.
Although the teen mom will likely never know her biological father, she takes the deepest joy and comfort in the repaired relationship between her oldest son and his father.
Most importantly, the teen mom is a beautiful, strong and creative being who intends to spread as much light as humanly possible in her lifetime.

Love

I embrace everyone who has played a role in who I have become and who I aspire to be. Without the challenges laid before my very young feet, I would not have been able to bend paradigms and break curses. I would have never known the extent of my fortitude to carry all of our burdens to the throne of love and restoration.

I send love to my son, a beautiful young man who completely ignored the odds stacked against him to become a person of his own design. Our relationship has evolved into a mutual respect of our journeys, talents and creative expressions. What a lovely outcome.

And finally, I send love to my teen mom self. I honor your sacrifices with the fullness of the truth discovered along our journey. Your flowers are in full bloom with the pleasing fragrance of love and brightly colored in kindness. I am so proud of what you have accomplished, and excited to see what you will do next.

With bounding love and the healing tones of peace, I fully integrate the shadow of my teen mom self into who I am today. And so it is,

References

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teenage_pregnancy

https://reproductive-health-journal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1742-4755-6-14

https://thehumanist.com/commentary/linking-religion-teen-pregnancy-theres-map/

Breathe.Gratitude.Love.