Healing Relationships (Self)
I recently experienced a complete meltdown.
I was working on a new project and became frustrated with my slow progress. The original plan was to work on the project for 2 hours each day after work. This was in addition to my regular tasks, such as making dinner, doing laundry, taking the kids to their various activities and yoga.
Needless to say my plan fell through pretty quickly.
Adding to my frustration was a somewhat rude awakening while reviewing my old journals. I noticed I had been saying the same things for several years now- how I wanted time and money freedom, to have my own business, to find love, etc. I wondered why things had not progressed despite my carefully calculated checklists and timelines.
My wondering soon turned to despair. It seemed no matter what I tried, I ended up writing the same disappointing words on the lines of new journal pages year after year.
After realizing my results were lackluster at best, I said fuck it. I give up.
Healing
I gave up on trying and decided to live the life that was in front of me, whether I liked it or not. This meant accepting that I am a 50-year-old single woman raising two teenagers on my own. It meant accepting the low balances in my bank accounts and the empty balances in my love life. It meant accepting that I am still working for a living at a 40-hour per week, incrementally soul- siphoning job .
It meant accepting that my life had not turned out as planned.
I remember the stinging in my throat as I held back tears while driving my daughter to school that morning. How could I explain the depth of disappointment in myself- both for not making my dreams come true and for giving up on them? I could not. Instead, I mumbled along to the the radio until she could exit the car and the pain could freely roll down as tears from my eyes.
I ugly cried all the way back home. When I reached my driveway the tears suddenly stopped, allowing me to realize that this was the first time I had cried in months. And by months I mean possibly a year. Or more.
My baseline "emotion" was numbness and this rarely changed. I didn't get excited about anything. I didn't look forward to anything. Nothing startled me. My heartbeat did not fluctuate unless through exercise. I occasionally checked my own pulse just to verify my aliveness. But on this day of proclaiming independence from trying- I cried. A lot.
I cried even more the next day as I mourned the loss of my constant trying.
Later that day (after the tears finally stopped) something startled me. This was surprising because I could not remember the last time I felt startled. My kids tried to pull pranks on me all the time- they would put plastic bugs on my bed or jump out at me from dark corners and got nothing for their efforts. Not even a flinch. I was always prepared for the worst, and it was aggravating.
As the days went on, I began to notice sights and sounds in greater detail. I started feeling a wider range of emotions and I felt them on deeper levels than ever. I started feeling as though good things would happen to me in place of the constant, crippling numbness of hypervigilance.
Of course I did my research to find out why I suddenly felt more aware of sounds, sights and even other people. I spent an entire day reading articles and looking at videos until the truth finally connected my scattered dots.
I needed to reconnect with my feminine energy.
Feminine Energy Connection
With the recent release of constant trying came the ease of embracing my feminine energy. Until this event, I had never considered over-identification with masculine energy as the likely source of my anguish.
I won’t pretend to be an expert in connecting with one’s feminine energy except to say that it feels as natural as breathing. It feels like resting when your body asks for it without self-judgment. It feels like listening without the burden of forming an opinion. It feels like flowing with the body’s natural energy cycles.
The Beauty of giving up is the Beauty of allowing one’s natural state of being to flourish. It is the releasing of “making things happen” for the embracing of allowing them to happen.
Once this beautiful energy began to blossom within me, I became excited to make space for it’s growth within all areas of my life.
Here are a few ways to cultivate the growth of feminine energy.
Do something new
A co-worker invited me to take a dance class, and I said yes. Yes to being a first-time dance student at the age of 50, yes to connecting with new people, and yes to doing something I had never done before.
Doing something new requires vulnerability, a hallmark of feminine energy. This is especially true when something new requires us to leave the people and places that make us comfortable. We often find the things we most want on the other side of our comfort zones, such as connection and inspiration.
Prioritize Creativity
In the past I would stop writing when I reached the point of despair. This time when despair showed up, I said fine- but you are coming along for the ride as I write through these tears. Believe me, I didn’t want to- but the spirit would not leave me alone. I kept hearing “don’t stop writing- this is the part of you that needs to write the most”.
Even if I could not write full sentences or if the sentences didn’t make sense, I wrote anyway. Creating from the emotional space of despair allowed me to hear an honest, unpolished account of my deeper feelings.
Listen
Feminine energy is quiet. It is secure in itself. It does not require outside validation. It reduces the noisy thoughts and increases the ability to feel and connect with the surrounding environment.
Embracing the quite power of feminine energy allowed me to hear new notes in an old song. A space opened in my mind to capture fresh knowledge in place of the constant ruminating of insignificant chatter. I found the value of my spoken words were increased after marinating in the silence of soft energy.
Connect
Embracing feminine energy has returned emotional depth into my awareness. I honor my emotions as messengers between my physical, mental, energetic and spiritual states of wellness. Self-connection allows me to notice the subtleties of life and engage in meaningful interactions.
Set Boundaries
Setting energetic boundaries is as necessary as breathing, yet it can be difficult to express these needs for various reasons. We may worry about disappointing someone or hurting their feelings.
We can begin setting boundaries with others by first setting then with ourselves. This could mean choosing rest over a movie marathon or reducing our social media engagements.
Saying no is vital tool of energy protection . This can mean allowing family members to do the things they can safely do for themselves. It can also mean opting out of commiserating conversations with coworkers or declining to take on extra tasks. These activities can seem minimal, but they add up over time and lead to feelings of exhaustion and resentment.
Gratitude
It is painful to admit when something is not working. It means sitting with the difficult feelings of failure, disappointment and wasted time. But there is no success without failure, there is no fulfillment without disappointment, and time is never wasted.
I did not have to give up on my projects after all. I only needed to give up my attempts to control the cadence of their unfolding. Once this became clear, I saw the Beauty in giving up as the Freedom to be myself.
I am grateful that my Being is the true value of my existence. I am grateful that my Being is enough. With this understanding, I focus on passively receiving the beautiful outcomes of my unique life experience.
Love
I challenge each of us to sit with the things in our lives that are not working. I challenge us to ask ourselves why we continue to hold on to our failed strategies and faded dreams.
We may hold on because we feel we have run out of options. We’ve tried everything and don’t have the energy to even think about doing something new.
Perhaps we hold on because if this one thing that we love so much does not work out, we feel we have nothing left.
Switching to a new perspective of energy could be the key to revitalizing ourselves and our creativity. Finding the right balance between doing and being honors the flow of energy needed to accomplish our many tasks and goals.
We must remember to love and honor ourselves before anything else. We can always go back to the drawing board, but we should never lose ourselves to the false narrative of failure. Our Being is our success.
May these words bring restored vitality to all who seek greater alignment with the energy that flows from within.
And so it is.
Breathe.Gratitude.Love. 
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